Preparation and Permission: Going Back to Work After COVID-19

One Imaginary Girl handmade facemask (source).

I don't drive because I have one eye and don't feel comfortable doing it. 

When I arrive at the medical campus for my COVID-19 test with my husband, we are on foot. We walk into the parking garage per my doctor's instructions and ask a masked volunteer where to go for the procedure. The volunteer seems slightly perplexed at the idea of us being car-less (my husband's '78 Volvo is in the shop) but with a chuckle instructs us to walk up a ramp usually designated for ambulances.

Once we reach where we need to be, standing in a parking spot flagged with a sign that states "FOR TESTING ONLY," we wait as the two cars who came before us are approached by a nurse, tested, and asked to leave. Birds flutter and chirp as we wait.

Suddenly, it's my turn. The nurse is kind-eyed and incredibly apologetic concerning what she is about to do. With a long cotton swab she enters my nostril and swirls it around, counting down from fifteen, and I close my eyes tight, head tilted back, thinking: "This must be what a lobotomy feels like." I expected discomfort but not pain.

My nose has been severely broken before (more like crushed) so the bridge of my nose, where the cotton swab is swirling, is quite sensitive. I immediately feel warm blood dripping from my nostril as the nurse withdraws the instrument. Relieved that it's over, we cautiously take the train home and order our weekly pizza for dinner.

After nearly a month with a fluctuating fever, coughing up phlegm, chest tightness, and various other symptoms, this is the end of the line. Much of my ailments are diminished or gone completely but I need confirmation to go back to the job I've felt so guilty about keeping away from.

Twenty-four hours later, the results come back: negative.

My doctor insists that the lack of detection may be because I'm several weeks into having the virus, but either way I'm relieved to have permission to reenter society - even if it's only in the form of workplace social interactions. I've been informed that I need additional blood tests to check on my immune system, but that's besides the point - comprehensive panels ordered more out of vigilance and caution than anything else.

So here I am: a month spent away from work, ready to return after being sick. Returning to a kitchen that has evolved in my absence while I have also shifted mentally while in quarantine. Curious to see how this goes.

I struggle with high levels of workplace anxiety, no matter the environment or company I work for. This situation, The Coronavirus™, adds another layer of worry. I plan to practice high levels of self-care in the following ways:

• Preparation: Clean clothes, a stack of protein bars in my bag, a kombucha to be kind to myself, new headbands, making sure my box cutter + permanent marker + pens & journal are in my bag, lens cleaner for my glasses and lint roller for my clothes, remove my nailpolish, take off my wedding ring for the first time in weeks, ordered cloth face masks from One Imaginary Girl & Dhvani, stay hydrated and caffeinated, etc.

• Permission: It's okay to find yourself feeling more on edge and tired than is normal. It's okay to buy things, a new apron and maybe knives and a knife bag, to make yourself feel more prepared. It's okay to tell the truth of how you're feeling, even if it makes you feel vulnerable. It's okay to fumble. It's okay to be quiet or loud or mistaken. It's okay to take steps to comfort yourself in times of stress.

We're all playing by new rules now. I'm trying my best to remain mindful through the thick of it.